Today was a journey and I need to vent

Several things happened.
First I was living like I was in a prephone world.
Second I have been doing so much reflection about sex and innocence and how I have been lustful (omg) – it all connects tho its crayz

Okay. What was today…
I go to the gym this morning and my phone has data as normal, my car is running fine with its new battery and things seem almost perfect. I even record the first half of my video in the morning before I go to work.
I’m feeling great and on the right path.

At home I peep I no longer have data. And they say its because I need to update my phone and I feel like that is just straight bullshit but whatever. I got my mp3 player and just jam out with it and lock in on getting my spotify playlists converted to mp3s.’

Literally that morning before I left I was texting this girl on hinge and she was like lets go to this garden tonight so we can meet up for the first time and I’m like fuckkit why not.. I like talking to people.

So it’s after my shift and I record the day 53 video, it goes over the celebration of launching this blog but also the ideas of innocence and ignorance because it was something I was thinking about this morning. But honestly longer.

See something that I have been on about this summer is celibacy, and like I was committed to that for atleast a month and I did it.. But now I really recognize that I don’t simply want lustful sex but something that is loving and ultimately innocent.

So with this recognition, why tf am I on hinge?? IM YOUNG HOT AND TWENTY ONE, I WANNA FUCK TF?! But you know something I’ve realized viscerally is the relationship between my creative exercising and my sex is actually interlinked. Maybe I’m correlating two things that just don’t go together but literally the more I focus on creating some beautiful art for myself and my life the more things just go well. But with that said I’ve realized that when I really take that time to really try going after sex or any sort of intimacy its not only not fulfilling but tends to take away from completing my creative pursuits to the fullest.

So wtf does that have to do with today. So I get home and record my video and I start to rush myself in editing bc I said I was gonna meet with this girl. I have no data. GPS is not an option.
I write the directions down on a piece of paper in a notebook, bring my ipad, and mp3 player and go.

I’m driving to an unknown location with no phone (I left my phone at home because it was doing some data retrieval thing)
So I’m out on the road, no phone, no gps, and in this bitch like its the early 2000s.

So once I get to silver spring I know where I’m at but like I’m confused and I’m like I know where I’m at but not perfectly. I take a turn and then bang, my car loses its electrical power. I know. for a fact. it’s the alternator.

I stop in front of some random house and knock on their door to no response. It clicks. I have absolutely no way to contact anyone, but I’m not even stressed it was odd.

Luckily this car came by and gave me a jump, I knew it wouldn’t last but they gave me updated directions on how to get to the garden and I tried to keep going but I couldn’t make it. Once more I was stranded with no way to contact anyone but hey, I had my music.

Wandering around the road I go to another house to ring their doorbell and was once again met with no response. And I once again waved a car down and they too tried to jump me with even worse effect. The guys name was Derrick and he gave me a ride to a nearby friend’s house who gave me a ride back home.

fit pic break.

Okay so what did I learn

Any search for lust even if initially met with innocent intentions will only hurt fr. But like not even emotionally, it takes away from the life I want to build and the creativity I want to pursue.

I settle for lust when I doubt my own love.

and I love myself too much to do that.