Do you believe in coincidence?

I’ve been trying my hardest to make my creative decisions work, little by little I’ve found my way. But I always needed to learn more. Wait just a little bit.
I felt there was a point where to cope with how things where going I needed to just disconnect myself and make. Live to its maximum, I don’t know how else to explain what my creativity means to me.
However it needs to express itself to make art for me. I made it. In my own perfect way that lets a certain unspoken side to myself find an out.

I guess that’s what posting on to the internet counts for too. It’s all a measure of commitment and dedication.

Something that I feel that occurs when committing to your own expression is a change of your circumstance, materially and socially. You grow in ways you don’t expect sometimes, you talk to some less, some you grow apart from, you try keep in contact, but your lives are just so different, time slips by, you’re both different, more you than before, equally relatable and impossibly different.

I think back to how I fell onto this journey, I wanted to express all the lessons that I learned and how I feel I came to rediscover myself on some purposeful accident.
Depressed in the middle of my dorm room I recognize that I have no idea what I really want to do with my life, I had just gone with the flow doing whatever my family said I was good at.
I never really cared much for math, it was something I taught myself to love. But I guess that was just the echoes of a culture I didn’t really feel a part of anyways.

Unconscious honestly I just stopped caring at point, I had a girlfriend at the time who I needed then. It felt like I was just having a whole moment of I’m a piece of shit, I like really REALLY shouldn’t have been born, and I don’t want to be a slave.
It was like being put into the meat grinder that is 9-5 living was just waiting for hell and death, a slow draining cycle of stress and temporary relief. Sat behind at a desk watching a life you could be thriving in fade day by day.
Covid changed me honestly. It was a time period where I felt free. In the face of such collapse and fear, the world halted and changed itself for the person, just for a moment.
Or maybe it’s because I’m just missing the remnants of being outside everyday high as fuck or on acid listening to some awesome hyperpop of the time [you should totally look at these 2 playlists I made from the time numba1 , numba2]

But either way the feeling still stands! I was free. To do what I please and LIVE.
I had felt I wasn’t living for me for that entire time.

So a lot happened that I won’t get into, but the important part is I failed ALL my classes, I started going to the gym after getting my ass beat in wrestling – in going to the gym is when I first started tracking my workouts! and that was the first domino to a new me.
It consumed me, the data, seeing what I could do with it in each iteration of the spreadsheet. A whole paperback notebook wasn’t right for me, not comfortable and mee.
Making a spreadsheet let me get nerdy with it,
I didn’t realize it then but it was the first seedling for acting on my creativity in a way that really mattered to me, that really let me live freely. It helped feel as if I had some form of control over my life. (and plus seeing all that data was really motivating)

But what does this all have to do with today and right now? I’ve noticed a pattern when it comes to this type of personal exploration, and it’s that whenever growth occurs another aspect of your life ceases.
It’s like a version of you that there was cannot exist with what is to come and so your life shakes and crumbles a bit to compensate and make way for the newness that is coming.

Today I feel that I am crumbling and being rebuilt simultaneously once again, and I feel nothing. Echoes of anxiety rings in my head but I am at peace.

I have no choice but to keep going, to follow through on everything.