Currently I feel that I am in a precarious position between my bodily and mental connections. But I’m not.
I’ve worked so incredibly hard to still the waters of my mind to think and express myself clearly, but today something was just off. Out of what I feel are my normal repetitions and cycles I feel that I’ve conditioned myself into the space where I put myself into negativity to build myself up; I think now both my mind and my body have had enough of these cycles.
I know and see the work that I’ve put into myself and the negativity that wishes to cling on to me just can’t coexist within the same framework that it once did.
Ultimately my lesson for today came to be learned through a reflection of my sexual insecurity that I held onto stemming all the way back from middle school truthfully.
I felt I was never good at talking to women, I would always miss cues or just not be aware and I felt it just made things a headache. I would always over complicate anything that I wanted romantically and get flustered – this lead me to settle for romance that comforted me but didn’t fully inspire me to thrive.
It’s hard looking back now, I feel I can see how I tethered myself to self hatred out of fear of not knowing what was on the other side. It was like I would choose to rather pour water onto vines that would suffocate me as opposed to strengthening my roots.
Today, I let myself indulge and embrace the unknown. I sewed seeds that may or may not blossom but I needed to take different action than what had been previously experienced. It was like I was on a crash course reliving my old lives. From downloading old apps and seeing the person I was to the new shit. I was looking for stimulation, satisfaction.
I was already so worn from work, my gym routine, and grinding out editing for my projects that I wanted to continue feeling satisfied but also be at rest (im talking about sex) but I had to confront myself first in realizing
[1] I am not that same kid, even though I may struggle getting caught up in premeditated action, that want for control holds me back from being the person I want to be. It’s okay to feel the spectrum of emotions but I choose which to follow and express at the end of the day.
[2] My struggle with sexual confidence, my clinging to negativity was the old way of trying to exert control over my life. The old echoes of the ‘silent love’ I was born into. A world in which care is never verbalized but only your shortcomings are made apparent. Self love and confidence is nothing but a testament to your strength only celebrated once you’re truly alone.
This way of life was the cushion I was born into. The way I was taught to love. It’s all very deep. But to keep this post something somewhat succinct you need to know more about who I am.
Through all the highs and lows and changes I’ve experienced I came to be from an accident. My mother was 19 when she had me. My existence derailed her and my family’s track in life. Even as a child I wish I hadn’t been born. The poorly hidden stress on their face, a house that had no intent on giving me a home at first. Wedged in to their lives I had no choice but to live. I felt alone growing up, culturally divided in a Haitian household long past its prime. The culture never came to me. I had to seek out and make something for myself not because I wanted to be different but because that was the only choice. I couldn’t verbalize just how outcasted I would feel at times. Going to another person’s house and seeing a life that just would never be mine.
I first learned to dissociate and compartmentalize on father’s day. I don’t know my father. My elementary school had this thing at lunch where dads would come and we would eat with our parents. I sat with my scout leader (I forgot what they’re called) but he was the dad of one of my friends. I remember staring at the road wondering who would come for me, our house was walking distance, I walked everyday to school, I even made my grandpa a little trinket, I knew he was home, I stared at the road and it was silent.
My first disappointment, my first heartbreak.
I first found porn in first grade, I had experienced sexual activity prior to that but that’s something else, porn introduced a world that my child brain wasn’t prepared to handle. I came to become enamored with it and have my perception of love, care, and affection distorted.
In short I came to view my own objectification as love.
This lead to me saying ‘I want to be a porn star when I grow up’ at one point in elementary school.
I never sat with those words until this year honestly.
But overall this tumultuous upbringing had consequences I had to deal with today.
The lessons of expression my life has carried me through lately has been about the shift between operating out of a place of yearning for validation and operating for myself.
Recently I had this AHA moment of seeing how my patterns of behavior prevented me from completing my creative projects but this same method can be applied to my sexual expression I feel.
My art is all important to me and when it comes to my passion projects I found myself in a cycle where I would work on other projects as practice so that I could make my passion as perfect as can be, but all this would be doing is delaying my own joy. I do the same in my sex life, I don’t really value my own pleasure as I find pleasing the person I’m with as something more valuable and important. But with how I feel I’ve arrived to this point I’ve objectified myself. so what to do now…
Going back to what I already know I would find something to work on and ‘build’ myself up and even ‘better’ or whatever but I know that is not the answer this time. In the same manner in which I forgot how to have fun and not be a super serious ass 24/7 I forgot how to appreciate and care for and please my own sexuality.
I know that active meditation will help push me to the state of being to get here but I feel that all the distractions only get louder. My phone has never felt so addicting.
It’s been some time since I sat like a rock.
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