To Be Seen

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

I’ve been making a better and better effort at putting myself out into the world.

For a long time I’ve been extremely reclusive, I’ve always felt somewhat rejected from my environments. This lead to me masking up all the time everywhere I went.

My mask was so deep I forgot about the things I loved and liked. This culminated to a point where I needed to figure out who and what I was as a person before doing anything else.

I left to isolate myself.

My loneliness is where I feel my comfort, I reflect, learn, and know myself to deeper and deeper extents. I come to love myself with a richness that isn’t possible without the time in my personal cave.

But,

My social life started to dwindle and shrink.

Before the times in my cave I was split between two modes, the first was of sarcasm, self deprivation, and self hatred. The other of silence. I recognized that the first was a mask I used to mitigate myself because I was scared to be me.

But my quiet side engulfed me, you would’ve thought I hated people with how much I stuck to myself.

But that wasn’t the case, the quiet and peace I stuck to was easy for me. People were tough and complex and uncomfortable and I didn’t think I had the skills to connect like that.

I still thought negatively of myself, even though deep down I loved people, I just wanted to be seen whenever I did put myself out there.

So I’ve been following new threads each day. I might run into an opportunity someone mentions and I’ll give it a shot.

Even now as I write this I just finished up volunteering and meeting some cool people.

Even though I’m unsure about how I’m seen, I still see myself and had some cool conversations.

So I’m satisfied.