Today i chose to die

I was filming for a project I cared deeply about and faced a few challenges. I wanted some beautiful fall scenery as the background for my speaking portions but the winds was too much.
Walking up the trail I felt a bit nervous, I was a bit under dressed but had confidence I could follow through. I grabbed all my equipment and went out to the trail.
Each gravel riddled step I felt my fingers lose a little more heat, the scenery was beautiful, I had just been here a few days before for a photo shoot I hosted. The death of summer was following through beautifully.

Down the trail I felt two sides of my mind fighting for dominance, one of confidence in my creativity and the other of doubt.
I’ve learned to passively speak confidently of myself, not to bolster me with any haughty attitudes but to speak appreciation to the hard work I attach to everyday life.
It’s been very hard to appreciate myself.

The gravel road faded and I came to a clearing, power lines ran through the sky from my right to my left, blades of grass were taller than me. I looked ahead and saw the sun split between the sea of leaves. A warning sign was present before me telling to be aware of the risks of continuing down the path.

I step ahead, a recently fallen tree was giving its last breaths of life to the surrounding areas, it’s green leaves stuck out in the sea of orange, yellow, and red we were surrounded by. The wind was picking up.

Each step came with a roar from the forest, I asked for its protection before I set up to record, but I kept walking, farther than ever before.

I came to a clearing with some rocks, I saw the beauty of the valley. I was nervous. The wind was strong and had a ferocity I was ill prepared for.
I took a breath and took out my equipment. My laptop, my camera, my tripod, and my script. I feel like I’ve been taking my sweet time on this video and now it was time to finally make it. My love letter to me.

I try to speak but the wind silences, I can barley squeeze out more than a minute of talking before the roars intensify. I wanted this though. I wait out the wind each time before I speak, my fingers growing more and more numb.

I squeeze out my intro and the forest screams for me to leave. My camera falls onto the rocks. I curse. I wail, why does it feel like life always is harder for me when going after things I want. I look at the trees, their leaves struggling to cling on or being dragged across my face.
I can’t really complain, the trees struggle just as much and still grow higher.

I pack up with a soft smile, I’m a fool to think I could beat nature. I asked to keep myself safe but none of my belongings.

My walk back was littered with uncertainty, speaking positive affirmations to my work ethic and grit even in tough circumstance, the other wishing I would just give up.

I look at the forest and I see myself in the trees. The positivity, the uncertainty, the fear, the confidence. The wind testing my fortitude once more. I pass the fallen goliath once again. How did you fall, such thin and frail trees surrounded it. I could sing a thousand stories with why it fell but I would never know.

Retracing my steps a stump caught my eye, decayed and withered. It’s time alive when it stood tall forgotten, only echoes of its history ring in its roots, I saw my self doubt in it.
I’m tired of fighting to deserve to be satisfied with myself, I let my old mindset go. The old me.