I asked for change to come and I got it.

Just over a month ago I had a personal realization that I was lost. I recognized that I had this feeling a few weeks prior and had started going to therapy but I felt I need to do more. There was something deep within me that I needed to sort out that no therapy session could satisfy.
I needed to change and wanted to do it at any cost.

With how I am when I first recognized this I sat down in front of the camera and recorded myself rambling. With the realization before me and a new drive to face the unknown I catalogued my process in vlogs.

In just over 30 semi daily videos I make the change that I want. My excuse for this push was that I wanted to stop my doomscroling habits but that was a symptom of a much deeper issue that I couldn’t address yet.

Into the unknown I chatted with myself trying to recollect and push forward doing new things. I work, I went to the gym, and tried different types of art. I picked up reading again, and slowly found myself and found my direction.

Looking back I believe the change had cemented itself within me once I began painting. I reconnected with myself in a deep way that I can’t articulate. But I had found my joy.

Painting after painting a new part of me was able to breathe and be renewed. With every stroke I took a new seed of confidence was planted in me. I no longer doubted my abilities to be the steward of my life.

The life I had wished for even as a child was expressed at my finger tips, day after day. I couldn’t not be satisfied, I couldn’t not be happy. Change had come and I had changed, I returned to who I always was.