An Active Conclusion

These past few months have had me fully enthralled in expressing my inner world to be exhaled out of me. Painting offered an unexpected processing of this all.

In retrospect I can see and articulate my journey so far and it’s cathartic.

The most pressing pieces that come to mind at first are the trio of #004, #009, and #006 (viewed in this order)
I consider these my past present and future.

#004 the past
Falsified images of flowers, overall it speaks to me now of misplaced hope. The way I used to live.

#009 the present
Meant to be my first conscious emotional self portrait it captures the present moment. A chaotic symphony of expressions some how coming together making things work. The center hole is indicative of several things. First of the cultural disconnection and isolation I felt in the moment, second of the permanent death that exists in the present moment; life is going as fast is it comes, it is impossible to beside it in its entirety without accepting this aspect of it. Third as the pupil of the piece, seeing myself in this way it’s immortalized and looks back at me for recognizing this aspect of me.

#006 the future
Although made before the present its impact is timeless for me. For so long while making the piece I was stuck trying to replicate shadows in my mind, but once I abandoned that notion it all fell into place in a warm acceptance.

The second story that is apparent is of a return to my artistry and a bold acceptance of it ( #013, #012, #011 )

#011 the impossibilities of perfectionism
The piece was a cover up a family members painting that they didn’t like. While making this I was high on my own craft, I was in love with every stroke I took. It was dense. When the paint was wet you could feel the vitality, as it settled its reality set in. It was too clustered. Even while wet an ‘error’ occurred ‘ruining’ what I had felt was a ‘perfect’ painting

#012 Remembering
High off the joy that was creating “Annoyance”(#011) I dove straight into making another piece. It’s under layer dense wild, ugly, and gross. I wanted this to have a story to it. Underneath its orange skin are bloodied streaks of my fingers running through it. I was remembering something. I covered it, It’s skin was really beautiful, so beautiful I didn’t know what to do with it. It sat in my studio for days. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, it was too pristine. I needed to hurt it. I needed to bleed from it.
“I always knew I was an Artist” is what I named it.
When I posted it to reddit contrarians tried to tell me that I still doubted this position. In person I was told it had the most striking composition of all my pieces yet.

#013 What are you scared of?
I wanted to feel fear. For so long I had felt like I used fear to power me, but here I feel that my fear was of what was on the other end of this artistic acceptance. I had forgot this aspect of me for so long, can I handle a return? It stormy, wild, and uncomfortable.

A cultural reconnection #007 ,#010 ,and #016
The story for these is still incomplete as it encompasses music and video. But the most important piece here is #010.
“Withdraw”
At the time of creating this it was specifically in reference to dealing with technological withdraws. I was detoxing from social media consumption. But I came to realize it was a double entendre for the cultural withdraw I was having. This painting compliments a mask from Haiti. I came to view the painting as an evolution of it in the simulacra of attempting to understand our origins. Where the old form has been obfuscated an new one is coming to be.

The final story that’s present is in our sunset.
(#020)’A Sunset That Cannot Set’
(#023)’An Active Conclusion.’
Whatever saga I’ve been in over these months has culminated to this point.

I am still in this active conclusion as I write this.