The Cost of Dreaming

‘The Cost of Dreaming’ is the title to my newest painting and with its completion a wonderful series of reflections were able to be undertaken.

While crafting it the primary realization that was settling into me was that I was now living my dreams. Time and time again something had arose to make me reflect about how my life has changed and shifted so heavily but I tried to move past it to stay preoccupied with the work that was before me. But now it was complete and I need to rest.

I am going to be in my first art show soon.

The theme of the show is ‘coming home’ a return to what was once forgotten to us and the artists get to interpret it however they need. For this show I selected my piece “I Always Knew I Was an Artist”.

The associated text that will be seen with it goes as follows:

This painting serves as a succinct embodiment of the artistic journey that has been present in my life. A wild directionless background of discord sets the scene with glimpses of expression trying to claw its way out. This best describes my childhood and adolescent development. I knew I wanted to do more with my artistry back then but I didn’t trust myself to commit. This led me down a turbulent path, coalescing in attempts to forget who I always was. When I finally was able to develop myself in a space in which all aspects of me were safe, the truth of me could no longer be ignored. I was an artist.
Indicated by the yellow, orange, cream, and vanilla skin that grows along the left portion of the piece, I was healing. Once this was placed upon the canvas I had to let the piece sit for a week as I caught up to the story I put down. When I came back to it, it felt like it was sleeping. A story at pause. Its vitality waiting to be released. With the final red strokes placed upon it I had finished the painting and cemented my continued dedication to nurturing the artist I had pushed aside for so long.

A grand return to myself, embodying the full array of artistry I’ve always wanted to display. This moment feels surreal honestly. I’m so excited about it, I’m so excited about everything I have coming after the show too.

There’s so much more work left to do that I don’t want to sleep anymore. I want to just double and triple down on all the work that’s before me.

I know there’s an echo of my past that is worried that this flame of passion and that it may blow out with rest, but I know that’s not the case anymore. I’ve grown and changed so much I was blind to it.

While deep in the return to self, my entire life has shifted. Being me it was hard to notice just how grand it was but talking with an old friend the other day had me see that the version of myself that would let my voice stay silent and my dreams pass me by was really gone.

To achieve my dreams I had to let go of my old self in its entirety.