I wish I had a pen to let my words collect like they do in a diary. I’ve been doing quite a lot lately and I’m excited for the future but I can’t spill my secrets yet!
Something very important that’s been dancing in my mind today has been all about needing to sit with ourselves more often.
As usual I’m in the course of reviewing and refining the behaviors that I partake in so that I can be the best version of me or whatever. And what’s come to me is to be comfortable in the silence that comes with doing nothing. It’s pretty hard to act upon when starting from nothing but not impossible.
I think the first thing that occurs is that we have these withdraws from our senses. I know the way I get comfy in putting myself in a low stimulus mindset is by closing my eyes and meditating. Experiencing black and the storm that may be our mind, our body kind of instinctual looks for something to sense. You might notice the way you feel your breath or a clock ticking that was once just background noise. Our body lusting for the tactile world around us.
I have a few acquaintances that have been posting about their struggles with handling lust and how they have handled urges in that regard, and I found it interesting. The most common consensus among them was to flee from such a feeling.
Which personally I find ridiculous. It is my personal beliefs that all feelings are trying to communicate something to us, so the feelings that make us feel the most should be faced. Regardless of whether said feeling evokes positive or negative reactions.
It’s very interesting to me when I see people maneuver themselves to be above others. I feel like this aversion to ‘lust’ and sensual pleasures speaks to a deeper repulsion towards our view of the human body.
Why should a want for sex be something we feel shame for when it’s innate to us? We are all birthed from people have unprotected sex it’s a normal thing, and our want for it is equally as normal. But just because we want something does not mean we have to act upon it.
So that’s where the confrontation must occur. For the sake of our own individual identity, how can you know if you have the willpower to say no if you don’t even know how to sit with a feeling within yourself. Or something like that….
In my meditation today I talked with myself about how radically accepting the inherent sexuality that I exist with will help me feel more empowered on a more mundane basis. And yeah my self help positive affirmations helped. I feel more confident and attractive, self assured, at peace, and like playful and just overall better about everything in my life.
I thunk for a second, about the walls of change that I must face before I can actualize other things for myself.
It’s like when I sit in silence, I sink down into my internal world of numbness. I press my head against an idea that takes up too much space and sink further into it. My fingers, toes, and whole body carving spaces within it. In the thought I see myself a me that I refused to acknowledge and give the time of day. I don’t have to act on it and become it, but I just sit with it, I sit with me. My head presses against it and it presses to mine. I sit with it and it sits with me.
I take my time
comb through my thoughts I understand myself
see my reflection
and gave time for it to help.
Even when there is no work to be done
I sit with it.
Some times the feeling just needs space to be
I don’t act on it
I don’t become it
but it sits with me
and like that
when its time is done
it moves on too
we may cross paths again
probably under different contexts
but I guess they just wanted to share me
I hope you like that poem
Whoever reads this, I would like you to think about internal walls that you face, how would you get over it
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